Secret Wives

Despite my great love for Marri Coen, I have something of a wandering eye. It is not a great fault, but it is difficult to force a man to choose just one woman for the rest of his life. Women, of course, must be happy with one man. That is absolutely okay. No problemo dudes and dudettes.

In this post, I would like to introduce you to some of my secret wives. I love them just as much as I love Marri Coen, though of course not in the same super-committed way.

This is my secret wife Gaya. Gaya is 5'2", though she insists that she is much taller. Do not believe her, Gaya has a truthiness problem. Gaya likes cigarettes (sometimes), Bollywood, women's issues in Algeria, and tabouli. Sometimes, Gaya pretends to be a health-kick. When she does this, we should all smile indulgently, and pat her on the head. She really likes this.

Sometimes, I write Gaya poetry. This makes her my muse. It is not very good poetry, but I blame my muse for that.

This picture was taken by Marri Coen by the way, thereby proving that she approves of my illicit affair.


On the right here is Danielle. Sometimes I call Danielle, 'Crystal', but this makes her sound like a stripper, so I don't much like to do it. Danielle likes doing the dishes. She also plays soccer when she is not working out. Soccer is a British game in which you run around for a long time, then lose 1-0.
Danielle also likes to eat sprouts and other roots that taste terrible. This is one of the flaws in her character.
Danielle is a little bit like my mother. She yells at me about my attitude, dressing habits, health, sex life, smoking etc. Sometimes I call her 'Mom'. This makes our relationship a little bit Oedipal. Oedipal is a Greek work that means 'creepily weird'. Sometimes, Danielle is 'creepily weird'.

This is Sidney. We do not know where she is, or even if she exists. Sidney is what is known as a 'myth'. A myth is an imaginary story/creature that no one knows much about.

No one knows very much about Sidney. Besides being a myth, Sidney is also a conundrum.

Someday, the nuns will know what to do with a problem named Sidney. The answer is marrying Christopher Plummer.





This is my real mom, Melissa Louie. I used to love her very much, but she cut all her hair off.

Melissa is also known as Missy. So when she gets called to the bench by the judge, he says, 'Approach the bench Miss Missy.' Then the judge guffaws. Of course, this is a hypothetical situation. Mom doesn't get arrested that often.

Mom is an alcoholic.








This is Heidi Klum.


I wish I was married to her.


She has a restraining order against me. I blame her husband
for it. His name is Seal. That's a stupid name.